DearReader,

Recently, I watched a short video by Daniel Pink discussing advice versus feedback. Pink’s guidance? “Don’t ask for feedback; ask for advice.” He explains most people love giving advice. Many struggle providing critical feedback even when warranted. However, when we frame feedback through the lens of advice, we can deliver the same information in a softer, more positive way. Effective feedback is actionable. So is giving advice - you're giving the steps on how to improve. He references the work of Shane Parrish in closing: “Asking for feedback creates a critic. Asking for advice creates a partner.”

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Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

In my coaching work, I see the “critic” all the time. It takes various names and forms – saboteur, judge, self-talk – but its damaging effects remain the same whatever we call it. The critic isn’t interested in resolution; it is only interested in being right. It evolved from childhood and often served a protective function in our emotional development so there is strong attachment to it and, consequently, strong resistance to letting go of its often destructive hold. We know the critic is afoot when we feel dissonance, separation of the mind from the body and/or from others.

When Pink connected feedback to the critic, something clicked for me. One of the regular challenges I faced in HR was about managers and employees wanting feedback and either not receiving it at all or inadequately. “How do I provide feedback?” was a common refrain. People avoided giving feedback unless it was either positive or couched as a &#it sandwich (Claire Lew provides a great summary on this topic if you want to learn more).

We know people want feedback to do or be better. Pink addresses the challenge of feedback directly by positioning it as advice. In a business context, I would do the same. It helps adjust our perspective on it. Managers want to shape and grow their employees. Employees want to grow.

Instead of saying what's going right or wrong, share what you wish you had known at an earlier career stage. The best advice comes through real-life examples, how the advisor did (or didn’t) do it effectively.

The critic puts us on the defensive immediately. Creating a partnership doesn’t. I’ve always believed “you can catch more flies with honey.” Critics pit one side against another whereas partners stand side by side. That’s how advice proves more effective than feedback. When someone stands beside you, you're on the same journey.

Next time someone asks you for feedback, try it in a new context. Ask if they’re open to advice. Chances are you’ll receive a positive response and, in so doing, you start to shift the world bit by bit as you build up those around you (helping them improve) while sharing your experiences and feeling good about it at the same time.

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